Getting Out Of My Own Way – Part 1: Acting As If

It’s taken me a long time get out of my own way and stop acting as if everything was fine. I went from being this damaged little girl – who always felt invisible, self-conscious, confused and insecure – to the abundant woman I am now.  I was this stubborn teen with an over-achiever’s mindset, yet an under-earner and people pleaser with no sense of how to please myself. I was this ambitious young adult who just couldn’t see my worth and was simply unable to ask for what I needed.

But that girl, teenager and young adult I was back then has since been transformed into a healthy, grounded woman filled with calm, serenity and ease. Who I am today is a woman abundant in self-love. And I am living a prosperous life that continues to miraculously unfold, daily, in ways I could never have imagined dreaming up on my own. Something greater than myself stepped into my life and I am beyond grateful for it.  

I have learned to thrive rather than survive and I love the life that surrounds me. But for so long, I was filled with a subconscious self-hatred and self-loathing, which ironically worked perfectly with the creative vision I pursued my entire life. For the first twenty-two years, I hid behind my art as a triple threat: actor, dancer and singer. After that, until I was thirty-six, I hid behind my art as a singer, songwriter and guitarist.  

What do I mean when I say I hid behind my art? Well, while I didn’t know it at the time, I needed to hide all the darkness and insecurity I was feeling from the outside world and act “as if” there was nothing wrong here. And subconsciously, my natural love of the arts gave me permission to do just that. And so, behind closed doors, I was either using my art to ground myself and stay sane, or use my art to feel the deepest sadness I allowed myself to feel. But either way, being alone gave me the opportunity to go into a world of fantasy around the girl I wished I was.  

And when I was in the real world, I could fake being confident and cool, using my skills and talents, as an actor and songwriter, to give the illusion that life was truly awesome and I was confident and successfully moving towards an abundant life that I loved. People would constantly praise and support me verbally saying to keep on going; to never give up! And I fed off all those compliments and supportive words of praise like any drug addict would do on their next fix. But behind closed doors, I was filled with lots of turmoil, misery and self-judgment. No one but my Mom really saw that side of me. 

There was a lot going on in The Vazquez household, but again, I became an expert at acting “as if” everything was great! From my parents’ separation when I was nine; my Dad cheated on my Mom but there was a lot more to it, to my older brother teasing me to the point of tears and devastation on a daily basis, to my oldest sister who was doing her best to play the role of “Mom”; as Mom was out there working three jobs trying to support us, put us through Catholic School and give us everything we could possibly want to make up for Dad’s absence. She was “Super Mom”, she was my role model and she was my very best friend. And Dad, well Dad did the best he could with who he was. And through my own forgiveness, acceptance and continued self-growth; I eventually was able to grow a healthy and loving relationship with my Dad.  

And then there was THAT secret, the one you swear you’ll take to your grave and never share; that one! Well, it effected the first 30 plus years of my life. I may share that in another future blog, but for now, I will say that I did deal with that skeleton eventually. I did all the internal work that was needed to heal myself during the past decade.

However, before doing that work, that skeleton created a shutdown in me, both physically and emotionally. And I wasn’t able to truly open back up until I was in my mid 30’s.  It caused me to sabotage much of my life in many different ways. Food, money and sex became my best friends and my worst enemies. Each filled a void I needed to fill, moment to moment, and it continued for a very long time. Anyway, I may discuss all this in more detail later on in future blog, but the point here is, I became an expert at acting “as if” everything was great!  

I was able to hide behind my art and never show who I was for over a decade while pursuing a career as a singer, songwriter, guitarist and performer. I moved from NY to LA and seven years later I hit my lowest low, at thirty-six years old. It caused me to have to move back to NY and in with my Mom. I didn’t know it then but that major downfall saved my life in every way.  

TO BE CONTINUED…