Getting Out Of My Own Way: Part 2 “Timing Is Everything”

Let’s Get You Up To Date…
So where did I leave off last time? Ah, yes, I was talking about how I was able to hide behind my art and never show who I truly was for over a decade while pursuing a career as a singer, songwriter, guitarist and performer. And I shared how I moved from NY to LA and then seven years later I hit my lowest low, at thirty-six years old. And finally, I mentioned how that final breakdown actually forced me to moved back to NY and into my Mom’s one bedroom, with her. And I will now continue here by saying that while I didn’t know it then, I can tell you now that, THAT major downfall saved my life in every way! If you missed

Click below to catch up on Part 1:

Let’s Continue…
So, the entire journey that followed afterward that downfall is a long story to tell. Maybe I’ll write a book on it one day. But for now, the most important thing I want to share here is that up until that very moment in my life, I had been gifted with many opportunities, as well as been aligned with a handful of significant people that showed up in my life at just the right times. They all came in to help show me my worth, in some way, shape or form. From shining light on how much my creative gifts postitively impacted others in a very unique way, to showing me my true potential. I was surrounded by so much goodness. And yet, I was blinded and blocked from seeing all the goodness others saw in me. Deep down, I just didn’t believe I was good enough, nor did I believe that I deserved to be happy and live a life I truly loved.

I crossed paths with syncronicity time and time again. So many supportive strangers came in and out of my life; like “spirit guides” and “angels”! They all tried to help me see my own inner beauty and abundance. And the bottom line is this, “Timing is everything.” And I just wasn’t ready to recieve that abundance. Nor, by the way, would I have ever even known how to accept anything good that authentically came into my life. I just didn’t trust it or me. But as I am writing this piece, I see it all so vividly. And the thing is, I needed to fall, over and over again, until I was ready to face what I didn’t want to face… MYSELF!

And believe me when I say that I tried EVERYTHING I could on my own to “FIX” myself. I was the “SELF -HELP” queen! I would convince myself, time and time again, that I didn’t need any help. I am self-disciplined. I am smart. I am intuitive. And I can figure this out on my own. What was “it” anyway that I was trying to figure out on my own? Well now I know. It was me attempting to figure out how to control my mind; how it actually worked. How to stop self-sabotage. Bla bla bla…

Well, the fact is that I was NEVER going to figure it out on my own because it had nothing to do with that. It had nothing to do with my intellect or my smarts. It had to do with something much deeper than that. It had to do with old patterns and beliefs. Beliefs that were subconsciously placed within my own my mind, body and soul, way back when, when I was a kid. And those beliefs closed me off in many ways to protect myself from NOT GETTING HURT AGAIN. And those beliefs I had subconsiously created had been building up inside of me for so many years, that trying to “figure out” what was wrong now just didn’t work. I didn’t even know those beliefs were there in the first place. I didn’t have that awareness back then. And while all I needed was the right kind of guidance to help me see what was hidden underneath my own subconscious mind so I could move forward in my life, I was too stubborn. I was too stuck in my own ego and too driven by fear to be willing to ask for any help.

And honestly, the only reason I did end up asking for help was because I literally ran out of “self-help” options. I could not for the life of me “self-help” my way out of this ongoing beautiful disaster. And if I didn’t hit that final rock bottom, I really don’t know where I would be right now. That’s the God’s honest truth. That breakdown was my savior. You know that saying, “REJECTION IS GOD’S PROTECTION”? Well, it’s so damn true! It was like I was being kicked out of LA and forced straight back to my childhood; having to move in with my Mom at thirty six years old. Are you kidding me? And what was even worse, my Mom actually lived right around the corner from where my sister, brother, her and I grew up, from my grammar school years up until graduating college. Now, if that isn’t enough to stunt the ego and feel completely powerless, then I don’t know what is.

So, for the first few months, well, let’s just say I slept a lot. Depression set in BIG TIME. For the first time in my life I honestly didn’t care if I woke up the next day. I didn’t feel I was a contribution to society anymore. And the worse part was I couldn’t self-help myself out of this dark state of mind I was in. All I knew was that I this part of my life HAD TO END, but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. How was I gonna start all over again? I didn’t have an clue of what was next to come. And to make things worse, I got myself so stressed that I got shingles. They formed all across my lower left side of my waste moving all the way across my lower back. All that low vibration energy I was emitting from my mind, body and soul was now showing up physically. It’s true, we definitely cause our own sickness. And all the stress I was going through had weakened my body, welcoming shingles right on in!

And gosh, my poor Mom. I know she was hurting. She and I have always been so close; the best of friends, in a “soul mate” kinda way. I can’t imagine how much pain she felt, seeing me in so much distress. How hard it must have been for her to watch her youngest daughter giving up on life, knowing she couldn’t do anything to help me get back on my feet. The only person who could do that was me. And after I recovered from shingles, even though I felt numb and hollow inside. Even though I lost hope, deep down, I knew I had to do something.

And at some point after that; it’s kinda blury to be honest, something in me just accepted that life was just what it was. And I accepted that I would choose life. I would choose to stay alive as long as I needed to, until my time here on Earth was up. And when I made that decision, all that darkness inside of me became weirdly soothing. It’s almost like in giving up on “trying to do or be anything” actually gave me permission to “just be”. And I felt automatically lighter and free. I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t have to “have a purpose”. I didn’t need to please people or prove anything to myself or anybody else. It was like this HUGE gift. My breakdown silenced the ego and a peaceful humility just set in.

And as soon as I stopped trying to figure it all out and just accept where I was in that moment, the next chapter of my life opened up for me, serendipitously. And not too long after that I took an action that would change the course of my life FOREVER. First internally, and then in time, externally.

TO BE CONTINUED…