Getting Out Of My Own Way: Part 3 “Surrendering To Something Greater Than Myself ”

So last we spoke, I was talking about how timing is everything. And I was saying how it didn’t matter how much goodness came my way, I wasn’t ready or able to receive it. The fact is, the ego was running my life and it self-sabotaged me, all the way into a final breakdown. And I mentioned how that breakdown became a HUGE GIFT, because it silenced the ego and a peaceful humility set in from it. And I also shared how, as soon as I stopped trying to figure it all out and just “be”, that that’s when the next chapter of my life opened up, serendipitously. And the last thing I left you with was talking about how, not too long after that peaceful humility set in, that I took one action that would change the course of my life FOREVER. First internally, and then in time, externally.

Click below to catch up on Part 1 and Part 2:

And now, let’s continue… But first, let’s back up for a second. So, before I even begin to talk about that one action I took that changed my life FOREVER, I wanna preface that it took almost another TWO YEARS after returning to NY from LA before I hit THE FINAL ROCK BOTTOM from that initial breakdown. I know. Sucked for me! I laugh now but it wasn’t funny in any way back then. But I did finally hit it and in 2011, I experienced my first moment of true calm. 

I was so desperate to find some sort of serenity. And I needed to feel like I had a purpose again. Everything I had been working on as a songwriter in NY and LA were all geared towards weighing my success around my “making it”; whatever the hell that means. And my life revolved around my needing approval from others. I was always in survival mode. There was no room to thrive. And any desire for me to have a healthy romantic partnership was put on hold until I “made it”. I would always think to myself, “I just need ‘this to happen’ or ‘that to come through’ or ‘as soon as I finish this project’ or ‘right after I accomplish that goal’, then I can start my life.” But that never happened. I would keep living in deprivation, ignoring the pink elephant in the room, who also followed me every freak’n place I went! I was suffocating myself and didn’t even know it. 

In clearer terms, I was blinded by the ego. I couldn’t see that I was 100% responsible for the way my life was going. And I was headed straight down the rabbit hole of continued disappoinment and despair, even though I didn’t see it back then. God, if I could turn back time, I would have had the new me visit that old me and have a little chat with her. But you know, that wouldn’t have worked. Life lessons can only be learned from going through them personally and then coming out the other side alive with more wisdom and insight.  

Anyway, the point is, I was headed straight down the rabbit hole of continued disappoinment and despair because I was always focused on the competition rather than being focused on creating things that truly resonated and mattered to me. Compare always leads to dispair and I had plenty of experience around that. Plenty! And my lack of self-awareness made it impossible for me to make the correlaton between the ego and my own self-sabotaging ways. And so my life became unmanagable. I didn’t see that the way my life was unfolding had NOTHING to do with other people. NO ONE was out to get me! And actually, the opposite was true. Everyone was trying to help me, for the most part.

So, since I couldn’t see through my own self-sabotage and I couldn’t understand why my life was going downhill the way it was; becoming unmanageable in every way, I just started to react to life’s daily obstacles. I created internal struggles for myself, which turned outward onto others in my life. Everything I was doing created the results I was receiving. Good, bad or indifferent, I was creating my own beautiful disaster. I don’t blame myself at all now for being in this situation. Why? Because I didn’t have a clue, nor the help, nor the tools to even know that I had a choice! That there were options around how I could get through each one of these stuggles I was facing on a daily basis. I had a choice around how I could be. But I was stuck in my past, in the ego and in self-sabotage. My mind had been subconsciously set one way, long ago, and that was all I knew.  

Yet, there was another way to be and think; a more empowering and abundant way. But the only way for that to come into fruition was for me to first hit that final rock bottom. THAT is what I needed for me to be willing to surrender to something greater than myself. 

SURRENDERING TO SOMETHING GREATER THAN MYSELF WAS THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO RE-CREATE A NEW WAY OF THINKING AND BEING. 

I had to let go of the ego and let that higher source in. Now you may refer to that source as God, Shiva, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Akal Murat or The Universe. I called mine, Higher Power, or for short, “HP”. 

The long short of it is this, I was subconsciously feeding off of the ego driven voice in my head, which I have since named, “The Critter”, for all those years. And “The Critter” was so loud in my head, and so cunning, that I was never fully able to listen to, or be guided by, the other voice in my head, which I now call “The Visionary”; the voice that represents Higher Power.

I kinda knew from self-help books, seminars etc. about this chatter in my head and how it can really mess with your thoughts, words and actions. But I wasn’t fully able to wrap my head around how I could access this information so that I could actually shift my mindset, and then, start shifting and controlling my own thought patterns. And since I wasn’t equipped to do that, so to speak, it led to my default thinking, which caused me to react to people, places and things; which 95% of the time didn’t lead to anything good. I was not familiar with this whole other concept around taking EFFECTIVE AND SELF-CARE ACTIONS around those same people, places and things, which would lead to much better outcomes. 

And from reacting 95% of the time, I slowly started to see that I was actually NOT IN CONTROL OF OTHER PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS. But I was in control, if I had the tools and awareness to do so, of MY THOUGHTS, MY WORDS AND MY ACTIONS. But it was up to me to do the work on myself, to deconstruct and then reconstruct my mindset. It was scarey, yet empowering to know that I was responsible for my own actions and each one would lead me towards abundance, or lack. It was my own choice! 

So, you might ask, what happened to get me from breakdown to breakthrough. From being unaware to become aware? From insanity to sanity? Well, I was introduced to DA (Debtors Anonymous); a 12 step program that revolves around money, one’s relationship to it, overspending, under-earning, and so much more. And it saved my freak’n life and continues to do so every single day. I’m beyond grateful; I can’t even begin to tell you how much!

The funny thing is that from the day I was introduced to DA, to the day I actually went to my first DA meeting in downtown NY, it took me a whole year to gain the willingness to go. I actually took the information and stuck it on my cork board in my room, which was really my Mom’s room, which she gave up for me, and she stayed in the living room, as I was trying to figure out how to get out of my own way. Oh, how I love my Mom to bits and pieces for her unconditional love!

Anyway, I bring this up because everything in life is a process. It cannot be rushed. No matter how hard you would like to just wiggle your nose, feel all better and healed, inside and out, and call it a day, it ain’t gonna happen! It takes work and it takes little bitty baby steps to find the solution and then to keep that solution close by. 

And let me tell you, I’ll never forget that first meeting. It was the very first real decision in my life that I made for ME AND ME ALONE! And as I sat in that meeting, hearing everyone’s raw, authentic and &!$# up selves, I felt oddly at home for the first time in my life! That’s crazy right? But it’s the truth. It was scary, yet calming. I didn’t have to pretend I was ok. You know? I didn’t have to talk to anybody if I didn’t want to. I could just be there fully, just as I was, broken and all, and take it from there. 

I worked the program as though my life depended on it, because it did! And as I did my work, my life started shifting in so many ways. I could go on and on about the gifts of the program and all the miracles I received over the years which allowed me to re-create a life I love. Instead, I just wanna share the most powerful gifts I received from it. 1. I‘ve learned that education alone is not enough. You need to be willing to apply what you’ve learn; one day at a time. 2. I’ve learned it’s not about perfection, it’s about the process. 3. I’ve learned that asking for help is where the miracle happens. 4. I’ve learned to love myself fully, unconditionally. 5. I have been able to build an unbreakable bond with something greator than myself, aka “HP”. And I have gained 100% faith in knowing that Higher Power will take care of the things that are clearly out of my control. I have enough proof at this point to back up “HP” all the way on this matter! So, I stay focused on taking self-care actions daily and letting something greater than myself take care of the rest; the results. 6. I have learned how to become a healthy and spiritually aligned adult, one who takes full responsibility for the thoughts I think, the words I speak and the actions I take. 

Those are just a few of the gifts I have recieved from working the progam. What I’ve also learned, which has been the key factor around how to keep living a life I love, is that for me to keep it, I must give it away! That simple means that I cannot keep all the goodness I have been given, and the goodness that I will continue to be given, unless I give it away. It’s my job to pay it forward. It’s my responsibility to share my strength, hope and experience with others that need it and ask for it. That is how I get to keep the abundance thriving within me and around everyone I encounter. 

I now know it’s 100% possible to go from hitting rock bottom to living a life of serenity, peace, joy and happiness because I’ve experienced it; I’m living it every single day. No matter what obstacles try to drag me down, I’ll be fine. I have the recovery. I have the tools. I have the experiences. I have the community. I have the self-love.

And by sharing my story, my milestones and the gifts I have recieved with those who are in need, my hope is that it gives them exactly what they need to hear in that very moment, for them to see that they too can live a life they love. There is hope. And there is a solution.

So to sum this all up, as I wind this part of the story down, I would say this. From working the DA program and using its tools, as well my incorporating a handful of other educational platforms that I’ve studied and applied over the last 25 years, I have been able to change my life by changing my thoughts, words, actions and habits. I have been able to see what I was doing that led me down that dark road of misery and from it, I’ve been able to re-create a new way of being and a life I truly love. And let me say this, it’s not about life being great all the time. Cause it’s not! It’s about having the awareness, tools and insight needed to move through life’s obstacles, tragedies and tribulations and staying in alignment with your higher self. It’s in the learning of how to thrive, through those uphill battles and chaos, where your true power lies. 

It’s kinda crazy for me to think back now on how everyone around me thought I was happy, fearless and grounded in my life when, in reality, it was the complete opposite. I was miserable. I was lonely. I was a hot mess. And it’s insane how it was all rooted from my entangled past. And it wasn’t until I was willing and able to face the ego and myself, and do the work, that my life shifted. I didn’t even know half the shit inside me was even there at the time. That’s the wild thing about it. We don’t know what we don’t know, until we do. So, all the self-loathing, the self-hatred, feeling invisible, unworthy, unloved, undeserving, the need to be liked and look good; it was all from past stuff I buried deep down.

Yup, so much of my life experience and recovery has had to do with uncovering what I really didn’t even know was there. And it’s such a gift, now, to have been able to have continued to re-create a life I love by becoming 100% aware of what I didn’t know was stopping me. In doing the work on myself, in being patient with my process, in trusting something greater than myself, my mind is now truly mine to control!

TO BE CONTINUED…